if you've lost a loved one...

The death of a loved one doesn’t come at you fast; the effects are largely delayed. The only sudden thing about it is the initial shock that whole day, and after that, it’s an out of body—out of mind, even—experience. You don’t fully realize that you’ve lost this person; that you’ll never see said person ever again, except in your own head. At some point, you’d start using things to comfort yourself—unknowingly might I add. These things are excuses your brain might unconsciously give for such person’s sudden absence from your life. At that same point in time, you realize that these are indeed just excuses, but even then, your brain doesn’t fully register your experience.

You still want to desperately hold on to those excuses for comfort. Somewhere deep within, you’re just afraid to face the truth; this person actually died, left the earth, never to ever return. You have to learn to live without them. The pain comes, and so you do nothing but rush back up to the surface; “he travelled somewhere, he’d be here soon enough. It’s just a really long trip. It’s not the first time he’s travelled—I can manage.”

At the darkest and most lonely times at night, you silently wonder when you would let yourself come to terms with the fact that you’ve lost this person forever. Morning comes, and you go back to believing the comfort lies you tell yourself, while cursing yourself silently, wondering when you would finally accept what has happened.

Even after many months, these comfort lies still remain your home, and somewhere deep within, you’re hoping you can let yourself go to actually handle your shit properly. It then occurs to you that this singular thing might never actually happen and you’d be stuck in this delusional world you’ve created for yourself in your mind, forever. 

And the saddest thing is, you’re okay with that. It’s comfort and it is exactly what you crave.